Give us and we’ll give you: The 2 Cunts Christmas Competition

Ha, we’re not Santa Claus – we’re the two cunts and don’t give a shit how naughty or nice you have been, but the grumps have lifted slightly and it’s time to embrace a bit of the season’s silliness.  So we’re running over very first competition. (Ermagherd, how exciting, shit life just got infinitely better, etc, etc, etc…)

Just kidding, there might be something for you.

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas…

Actually that’s bullshit. I haven’t felt Christmassy even once yet. Summer has barely shown its stupid face, the unending rain has gotten all over my patio’s new scatter cushions (serious, wtf?) and I haven’t even sniffed a mince pie. Which all serve as a reminder that this time of year is best suited to those with weeks of holiday, a ready supply of buckets and spades, and the sum total of zero fucks. In short, December, summer, and Christmas are the domain of youth – those little shits.

But all this has me thinking about the classic summer vaykay of the traditional South African childhood. Like Tupperware, moms smacking indiscriminately at legs when there was dissension in the back seat of the car, and having to “just wait until your father gets home”, there are key elements of this holiday that we have all experienced. Whether we grew up in the big city, or the ‘burbs, we can all remember:

Permission to "Awwwwww".

I think we can all agree that it's about time this week, this month and this year came to a fucking end. Here are some baby Kruger creatures to bring a brief moment of light to your meaningless existence.

He'll be stealing bread rolls from your car boot and snarling at you in no time.

Plotting to kill Mufasa.

It’s all about the microventure and I'm all about portmanteau

Other than our mobile phones, everything else is getting smaller – or maybe it’s just my bank balance... Either way, we all remember when Summer Roberts declared, “Mini is the new supersize” in Episode 2, Season 3 of The OC – obviously. Well that sassy, mid-noughties minx was on to something and this is just the sort of motto to apply to your travels. And I’m not simply talking about packing light, people.

Picking Pals: A brief guide to choosing travel companions

Unless your travels exclusively involve first-class flights and 5-star luxury (lucky bint, please be my friend) you’re going to experience occasional/very regular potholes on the road. Jozi-dwellers, I know we could write anthologies on the subject. So in bad times and the good it’s worth having a solid gang of miscreants to keep you company. I'm sure even solo travellers can recognise the need for a shared beer along the way.

Throwback Thursday - Mozambeach

As far as beach holidays goes it's hard to beat Mozambique. It's beautiful, cheap (mostly) and the African sun will turn you a glorious nut-brown. Tofo is our recommendation as there's lots to do and many reasonably priced places to stay - and it's far enough from SA that it's not completely overrun with arseholes on quad-bikes spraying sand into your GnT.

Turquoise ocean beckons

Nom, nom, nom – eating in the great outdoors

You’re out and about doing adventurous things and generally working up the sort of appetite worthy of a swash buckling daredevil like yourself. Now, mummy isn't here to make sure you finish all your Weetabix or to cut the crusts off your white bread sarmies so you have to fend for yourself.

Camping and food will, more than likely,  go one of two ways – the most delicious or the most shit. At least that’s the experience of this camp-fire cordon bleu. But never fear if you stumble down the path of the latter as a couple of heavy-handed bevvies and the limited light source can always work in your favour. Any grumblers can do the fucking washing up.