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| It's coming... |
With but a week to go until Oppikoppi, excitement is
reaching fever pitch at Cunt headquarters. So we've put together a handy-dandy
guide to surviving the dust, the drink and some pretty sweet times. Rave safe
kids!
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| Double storey funnel |
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| Condense milk shots because 'why the fuck not?' |
Humans
I think it’s safe to say you’re going to Oppi with other
people. It’s strangely nice to look at other hideous and hungover faces when
you crawl out of your tent each morning and you certainly need someone to hug
in a drunken fashion when that song from that band plays, but any sort of
festival goer knows that your chosen humans need to be of a good/fun sort. The
types that can survive being cold (or hot) and can handle a little dirt. And
speaking of handling, you also want the sort that can handle their drink. Of course
everyone loves a fun drunk but there’s a thin line between ‘let’s do some shots
and talk a lot of shit drunk’ and ‘let’s do all the shots and then you can drag
my deadweight around while I cromit (cry vom) drunk’. It also helps if these
humans are okay in their hungover state.
Of course this goes both ways and you should do your best to
be a rad human. Don’t be a whinger, a grouch, an aggressive fightie cunt or a
river of spew. Remember everybody loves everybody. And once you’ve gathered
your group of preferred humans do everything in your power not to lose them.
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| Stick together! |
Sexy Times
Nothing gets your undercarriage quite as excited as that
heady combination of fun, alcohol and the opposite sex. Or the same sex of
course, if that’s where your tastes lie. But my god, please remember that
Oppikoppi is as dirty as fuck. You know how even after you've been home for a
week your car is still shedding dust from all sorts of strange crevices? Its
undercarriage is dirty and so is yours. So we recommend a ‘pants on’ policy
from the second day. Or if you horny little shits really can’t control
yourselves then maybe go with this advice that was handed out at last year’s
fest:
Two condoms with a
covering of deep heat between them. The moment either of you feel a burn – pull
out.
Use it, don’t use it, but at the very least use the goddamn
condoms.
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| That undercarriage is dirrrty |
Clothing
Ah yes, what to wear? The only real answer to this one is:
whatever the fuck you want. Seriously just wear what makes you happy. We could
go into a detailed account of the extreme temperature fluctuations or the
possibility of ruining your nice things playing in the dirt, but I can’t really
be arsed. Don’t get me wrong, I would
very much like to turn this into a rant about onsies and how they are not
quirky. Or how I cannot understand why you would to wear something that
involves stripping off each time you go to the loo, but some of the people I
like best seem to like onsies best. It is what it is. Just make sure you have a
clean pair of undies for everyday you’re there. Treat your down town area with
some respect.
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| Express yourself |
Supplies
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Your stash of goodies can make or break your festival. There
was a time when all I needed was a tent and a bottle of tequila. That time is
sure as hell not now and there are certain things that are non-negotiable.
Here’s the list of supplies that the two cunts treat as gospel:
3.
Wet wipes – for pits, tits and slits aka the
whore’s bath
4.
Breakfast food – a proper meal every morning
will change your life
5.
Plenty of H20 – for hydration, brushing teeth
and general cleanliness
6.
Tea – it’s soothing, fortifying and fucking
civilized
7.
Lighters – for lighting things obviously
8.
Sunglasses – protection from the dust,
protection from the sun and for hiding how shit you really look
9.
A pillow – because resting your head on your
dirty clothes is as kak as it sounds
10.
Tropika – the greatest hangover cure ever, trust
us
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| Breakfast noms |
Figure the rest out. If you drink beer then take a bottle opener, if you’re light sleeper and a grumpy cunt in the morning then take earplugs… we’re not your goddamn mothers.
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| Disrespecting the camping chair.... |
