So it’s Halloween and of course you fuckers are going to
dress up and get wasted. Cunt HQ is buzzing with excitement because this is our
favourite holiday of the year. Okay fine, it’s not actually a ‘holiday’ holiday
like braai day or anything, but it is the best* thing that the old US of A
exported over here. (*From a list that otherwise included childhood obesity,
shitty hamburger chains, any and everything pertaining to Jared Leto and 30
Seconds from Mars, and that time the Kardashians came to visit.)
Now we know you’re racking your brains trying to come up
with an outfit that is better than anything your friends could possibly think
of, so we’re stepping in to offer some assistance – cunt style. Because for the
sweet love of any god that is merciful, we don’t need another slutty version of
an acceptable profession/beloved childhood cartoon. Or hairy legs in
fishnets/balls bulging in leggings – yes boys, I'm talking to you.
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| No. |
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| Also no. |
We’ve rustled up some truly terrifying fancy-dress numbers
that will make blood run colder than the oceans surrounding that pretentious
city down south. Gird your loins, fellow cunts.
Ebola
Don a torn hazmat suit and smear yourself in blood and
faeces. For added realism continue to vomit and leak excrement from your
orifices throughout the evening. This is ideal for you messy drunks who end up
like this most Saturday nights anyway. Now you have an excuse.
Turning 30
Yes, yes you’re getting older and having fun is suuuuch a
chore. Well we’ve taken all the effort out of it so you can focus your worries
on other things – like the fact that you still live with your parents. Go along
to wherever your friends are headed for the night and find somewhere to sit
down. Complain at length about “how young the crowd is”, all while getting the
kind of drunk that is unbecoming of someone your age.
A Douche
Wear one of your onsies. You know you want to.
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| Amen. |
e-Tolls
Fashion an outfit out of all the invoices and demands of
payment that you’ve received. A jaunty hat and tie, perhaps? It’s not like you’re
actually going to pay them.
Two Cunts & a
Camera
You read correctly – go as your two favourite travel
bloggers. All you need is a mouth like a sailor and an unwarranted sense of
superiority. Make baseless judgments on other people, in a feeble attempt to
make your friends laugh, and drink until you shame yourself. What a treat!
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| Who invited these arseholes? |
